As part of economic recovery efforts, the Treasury Department announced today that the U.S. $1 bill would permanently feature a bust of pop music sensation Justin Bieber in place of George Washington, the first U.S. President.
“‘Biebermania’ is one of the most powerful forces currently at work in our great nation,” explained Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “What our country needs right now is the mature and profound influence of Justin Bieber.”
Bieber issued the following statement, “When I heard the news, I was like baby, baby, baby, oh!”
President Obama gave his approval.
“I am considering adopting Justin Bieber’s hairdo to boost my approval rating,” he stated.
Geithner acknowledged that the move to swap the President for the pop star was in response to the spending power of the female teenage demographic. Bieber bills have been in trial circulation in select states, which subsequently have already seen a leap in retail revenue. Mainly responsible for this rapid economic growth are skyrocketing sales of Justin Bieber t-shirts, Justin Bieber dolls, the Justin Bieber Backstage Pass Board Game and stilettos.
“Teenage girls just want to shop and look at Bieber’s baby face on the bills all day,” said Geithner.
This behavior driving our country’s economic recovery has at the same time led to problems in many classrooms, where teens are more interested in studying Bieber bills instead of textbooks. Teachers claim the currency has at times sparked sporadic shrieking among students, violent kangaroo-like jumping fits and even fainting and swooning. Student in response complain teachers have not returned confiscated Bieber bills at the end of the school day as promised.
Not all agree with the move to Bieber money.
“If our great first President is actually going to be replaced on the $1 bill, it should at least be someone with true singing ability,” said one male teen. “Someone like Britney Spears.”
“Britney Spears?!?” immediately responded the teen’s father. “How about someone with real musical talent? Like Marilyn Monroe. And her hair is just as famous as Justin Bieber’s!”
Yet Geithner feels Bieber has been such a positive factor in the economic recovery that he is considering nominating him to a position on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. He has also suggested that banks who have canceled their debit reward programs instead offer customers special Justin Bieber-edition Snuggies.
(The views and facts in this article are 100% fabricated in honor of April Fools!)
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