Turns Out Millennials Are Just Like Everyone Else

In a stunning turn of events, new research indicates that millennials — the generation every brand, retailer and payment provider is trying to woo — aren’t so different after all.

“We really don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said Tasha McGill, millennial spokesperson and CEO of research, data analytics and craft beer distributor at the Millennial Research Institute.

McGill told PYMNTs that the myth of the unusual millennial is almost as old as millennials themselves.

“Older generations seemed to think millennials were different in every way from day one,” McGill said, “from how they were raised, to what and how they buy. I can tell you that it’s all nonsense.”

A short list of millennial myths includes notable misconceptions such as millennials’ distaste for diamonds, love of kale and man buns, shunning of credit cards and home buying, and any number of stories on technology adoption numbers — especially as it relates to payments.

“The kale thing is one that really gets me,” McGill noted. “I mean, have you tried it? It’s not good.”

In reality, millennials understand the benefits of establishing a strong line of credit and see no reason not to do so as quickly as possible.

Likewise, while smartphones are convenient for making calls on the go and sending the occasional business email, most millennials are mystified by the ever-growing number of features and functionalities in mobile technologies today.

“And don’t even get me started on this ‘virtual reality’ fad,” McGill said. “Millennials are perfectly content with the real reality.”

Research indicates that the favorite pastime of millennials is to sit by the fireplace in their two-bedroom suburban homes with a glass of red wine, a good Tom Clancy novel and their diamond collection.

McGill did have an explanation for the troves of past data that seemed to indicate that millennials were in some way unusual.

“I think it was a joke,” she said. “If there’s one way millennials are different — and again, there aren’t many — it’s that they have developed a knack for cooperative, long-game comedy.”

The Millennial Research Institute hopes to clear up millennial misconceptions held by the general public by distributing pamphlets and running a weekly AM radio segment.

This story was written as part of PYMNTS Annual April Fool’s edition and all in the spirit of good fun. Any resemblance to real news is purely coincidental. We hope you enjoyed it.