Google announced earlier this morning that it is getting tired of waiting for its mobile wallet to catch on organically and that it is officially moving toward more “direct” inducements for the American populace.
In a statement released on the company’s blog, the search giant made it clear that if American consumers don’t start fully embracing the wonder of mobile payments the Google way, there are going to be severe and escalating consequences.
“We here at Google are committed to offering people the very best—whether that be in the areas of Internet search, email or terrifying robotic army construction. The Google mWallet is positioned to be part of that tradition by making sure our customers also have access to the best in mobile payments… Unfortunately sometimes people just don’t know what is good for them, and need a little help seeing the light. Therefore, if at least 75 percent of the American populace is not regularly using our mWallet by May 1st, we will have no choice but to cut off gmail until such time as consumers get with the program.”
The statement ended with “No, we aren’t kidding. This is not our annual April Fool’s joke. Seriously, Analytics and YouTube are next if we don’t see some big improvements in adoption ASAP.”
Analysts speculate that this drastic move by Google comes as a result of a recent data release by the Federal Reserve indicating that PayPal is used more in-store than is Google Wallet.
One Google insider, who declined to be named for this article, had a slightly different opinion as to what is motivating Google to make this unprecedented, and slightly unnerving demand.
“This isn’t about PayPal, not even a little bit. The fact of that matter is that Google is embarking on a very important five-year plan titled “Tagging the Sheeple,” which calls for the entire world populace to be implanted with electronic tracking devices by 2019. The mWallet is a crucial first step in that plan, so obviously it is very important to get people adopting it. We had wanted to preserve the illusion of choice about this, but the fact of the matter is our demonic overlords demand results and they don’t want to hear excuses about people preferring The Level Up or PayPal. “
Popular reaction to the announcement has been surprisingly mixed. While 90 percent of those polled about the choice said they were unsupportive of this move by Google, and about 50 percent said this is probably proof-positive that Google has officially opted for evil, only 10 percent of consumers said they would not give into Google’s demand or consider going elsewhere for email or search services.
“Look, at the end of the day, we all need Google. What am I going to do, start using Bing? I don’t <expletive> think so,” said Boston bike-messenger Topher Dankcheeba has he struggled to install the mWallet on his Android phone.
The above is part of PYMNTS annual April Fools edition and should not be mistaken for serious or factual coverage. This is all in good fun, please don’t cite us.