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Breaking News: The Kardashians Buy Sears

You’ve heard of the “softer side” of Sears — but what about the “selfie side” of Sears? It seems within the next several months, we are all going to get a firsthand view of what that might look like, because the Kardashian klan has officially bought out troubled retailer Sears.

Mostly by accident, according to family spokesperson and national treasure Kim Kardashian.

“Yeah, like, you know, Sears. Like obviously I didn’t know Sears was a thing — but like I really wanted to buy KMart for obvious reasons. Kanye and I ARE the K — as you know we really pushed hard when we tried to sue for copyright infringement a few years ago. I don’t know — I guess we can’t own the letter K even though we totally should be able to, so we just bought the whole thing so that we can own the K thing outright.”

At which point Kardashian’s husband, Kanye West, broke in and told his wife, “Imma gonna let you finish, but I gotta talk about the letter K for a minute.”

West then broke into an extensive explanation of why the letter K was in debt to the Kardashian family, how it “wasn’t s&*t before his wife put it on the map” and how the letter K should personally send Kim a thank-you note because “Kim made that b$%$h famous.”

Once West had calmed down, family scion Kris Jenner noted that once it became clear that they could not litigate their way to KMart ownership, they moved on to buying it — and learned that KMart and Sears were a package deal.

“Oh yeah, they definitely tried to come in here and just buy KMart, and we were like, no — this is a package deal. You want the big K — you have to buy the shrinking S — Sears — too,” said Sears’ former CEO, Eddie Lambert.

“It was a tough negotiation. About 20 years ago, I was kidnapped at gunpoint outside of the hedge fund I was working at — and over the course of three days negotiated my own release. I’m a pretty good negotiator. About four hours sitting across the table from Kris Jenner and her legal team, boy, did I miss those kidnappers.”

But a deal was struck — and once all the ink dries, the Kardashians will be the new owners of Sears, a situation that Lambert seemed pretty satisfied with.

“Free at last, free at last,” he noted on his feelings on the deal.

The Kardashians also report being highly excited by their chance to own — and put their unique mark — on a more-than-one-hundred-year-old piece of American retail history.

“Sears is, like, a classic, and like, so am I — so it’s a perfect match,” Kardashian noted.

But Sears, of course, is a hurting classic, crippled by years of falling consumer interest, sliding sales and greatly diminished profit margins. When asked how the Kardashian family hoped to overcome those issues, Kim noted the solution is pretty obvious.

“Like, we’re giving it a makeover — that’s literally how you solve all of life’s problems. Don’t like short hair? Make it long. Don’t like dark hair? Make it blonde. You know,” she explained.

Though the details are sketchy and the great makeover is still being sketched out, there are some early innovations the K klan was excited to share.

Instead of having women’s, men’s, junior’s and designer departments, Seardashians (the working title for the project) will call those sections Kanye, Kim, Kylie and Khloe. They will also be leveling up their product line some. The Kanye department will now only feature white T-shirts (starting at $200 a pop) and gold chains. The appliances and power tools that Sears has been well known for in the past will soon come in pink and rhinestone-encrusted versions — and all power tools will come with a built-in selfie stick.

“Look, no one wants to use a power drill or get dirty — don’t we all hire people to do that stuff? But, like, there are people in the world, and they like have to because they can’t — we get that. And, like, we’re buying Sears because we think those people should be able to take like picture of themselves working and share,” Kardashian noted.

The financial details of the deal have yet to have been disclosed — though West did note the buy was “surprisingly cheap.”

“I’m, like, way hardworking. I’m like totally working-class, I’m just like also really rich and pretty and cooler than you — with better clothes and hair. But, like, I totally understand the Sears customer — and I think at the end of the day everyone just wants to be as cool as me. Shouldn’t I let them?” Kardashian mused.

The all-cash deal is set close by the end of Q3.

This story was written as part of PYMNTS Annual April Fool’s edition and all in the spirit of good fun. Any resemblance to real news is purely coincidental. We hope you enjoyed it.

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