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Edward Snowden: Bitcoin Was Invented By The NSA To Spy On You People

Deep within an bunker in what is reportedly “at the base of a volcano in a secure location,” Edward Snowden ruined the Robert Nozick Society’s annual Hero’s of Liberty dinner with his unexpected announcement that the National Security Agency had in fact invented bitcoin as a means spy on libertarians and criminals.

Snowden was being dually honored with Satoshi Nakamura as the society’s men of the year, for their achievements in freeing mankind from the yoke of oppressive government.

“Guys, I don’t know how to tell you this, but the United States government invented bitcoin to spy on you.  If you all used bitcoins to rent this bunker, I don’t know how to break this to you, but we’re all about to get arrested,” Snowden began his remarks.

“Did none of you think it was weird that bitcoin just emerged out of the ether to appeal to libertarian techno advocates two years after the Tea Party became a force in American politics? Nobody is concerned that it is exceedingly sloppily run—billions of Mt. Gox money going missing totally inexplicably – in a way that is totally reminiscent of wasteful governments? How about the fact that otherwise rational venture capitalists seem weirdly terrified to say anything bad about bitcoin? Or that the IRS is suddenly taxing bitcoins at some kind of oppressive rate? Really?  None of this rang any bells for you folks?”

At press time, Coin Desk was reporting that “Bitcoin’s Revolutionary Partnership With the U.S. Super Spy Agency Was Just the Boost Bitcoin Needed.”

The above is part of PYMNTS annual April Fools edition and should not be mistaken for serious or factual coverage. This is all in good fun, please don’t cite us.

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