April Fools 2018

Amazon Announces HQ2 – On Mars

In a move that devastated, and perplexed, local officials nationwide, Amazon announced the forthcoming home of its second headquarters.

It’s going to be Mars.

In fact, according to Jeff Bezos, Amazon HQ2 will be the first building to be constructed in Alexalopolis which Amazon’s CEO explained to assembled reporters this morning, will someday be the capital city of Mars itself.

“Sure, as of 2019, the only building in Alexalopolis capable of sustaining human life will be Amazon’s HQ, but it is just a starting place.  When Amazon first started out we were a bookstore on the internet; we’re really good at building great big things out of little-bitty things.”

Bezos went on to describe how within a decade, however, Alexalopolis will be the most modern city anywhere in the Milky Way Galaxy.  Bezos also noted that that those brave pioneers who come to terraform and settle on Mars will be giving up so much to expand humanity’s footprint into the stars “the very least we can do is make sure we can give them as much of the best of Earth as we can: Prime membership, two-day shipping, Prime Video and Prime Music.”

Bezos was, however, somewhat more recalcitrant on the specifics of how exactly Amazon plans to build the headquarters on Mars.

When asked by reporter how they plan to get the building materials to Mars, Bezos merely responded: “Spaceship.”

When asked where he was going to get said spaceship, he noted, “Already built it.”

When asked how he was going to promise two-day shipping to a planet that is five months away on the shortest space flight possible, Bezos merely replied, “Teleporter,” before abruptly ending the press conference.

Reaction worldwide to the news that Amazon had built the technology necessary to colonize Mars, up to and including a possible teleportation machine, was somewhat mixed.  Boston residents shrugged and collectively muttered something about being cursed. New Yorkers, on the other hand, collectively rolled their eyes and said something about rockets being stupid. The people of Cleveland shrugged it off, saying, “we knew we really weren’t going to get this anyway.”

When asked by reporters how he feels about Jeff Bezos potentially building Mars’ first city, Elon Musk only smiled and said, “Well, we’ll see.  Maybe when he gets there he finds out that Mars already has a capital city that someone maybe already built named Elonia because they actually built their Hyperloop already and have been on Mars for a year, chilling.  Who knows, crazy world out there, you never can tell what will happen.”

This story was written as part of PYMNTS’ annual April Fools’ Day edition, all in the spirit of good fun. Any resemblance to real news is purely coincidental. We hope you enjoyed it.

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