Amazon’s fulfillment centers – The Happiest Places On Earth™ – have come under scrutiny lately for what some labor rights advocates perceive to be overly draconian anti-theft measures. In response to that criticism, Amazon is starting a new program aimed exclusively at keeping its warehouse workers happy (and the press off its back).
An Amazon spokesman announced the company’s new “Birthday Wish List” program, which will allow the thousands of item pickers employed in its windowless storage facilities the “exciting opportunity to take home one (1) item on their birthdays.” Eligible items would include any item employees can carry to their cars and of equal or lesser value than the given employee’s take-home pay during an averaged week of non-overtime hours (without blackout periods during the heavily staffed holiday months, of course).
“As long as the special birthday pickers submit their Birthday Wish List Proposal Forms to their managers within the appropriate Birthday Wish List Notification Window, it’s like having the entire Amazon catalog at their fingertips!” the Amazon spokesperson said, while never breaking his smile or his eye contact with the assembled press.
As part of the Birthday Wish List program, all warehouse employees celebrating Their Special Amazon Day™ would be given a slice of cake (no charge) and, if of age and within the confines of the break room, a congratulatory alcoholic beverage (with valid ID). The spokesperson explained that it was at the discretion of each individual warehouse manager whether to hold a Birthday Wish List Parade, in which all of the warehouse’s pickers group up into a marching formation and follow the birthday boy or girl through the stacks of the fulfillment centers on the hunt for their pre-approved birthday item.
As part of a trial for the Birthday Wish List program, Amazon tested the event at a New Jersey fulfillment center. The first birthday came to a 45-year-old man from Newark who chose a 16 oz. jug of generic aspirin from a shelf and complained about his back and knee pain before “Happy Birthday” began playing loudly over the warehouse loudspeakers.
Editor’s Note: This article is part of the PYMNTS.com special April Fools’ edition. Any connection to fact is purely coincidental.
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