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Amazon Announces PreCommerce

In the latest in a series of announcements that has industry luminaries by turns declaring themselves “amazed,” “flabbergasted, “ and “drinking before noon,” Amazon today announced that it is ready to explore the newest horizon of eCommerce,  pre-Commerce.

“While other retailers are lagging behind trying to figure out how to get customers their orders as soon after purchase as possible- here at Amazon, we’re committed to going the extra mile for our customers.  By signing on for Amazon preCommerce, consumers will for the first time be able to receive orders before they’ve even had a chance to make them,” CEO Jeff Bezos said in a statement released on the company’s blog.

In a call with reporters, Bezos clarified that this ability to presciently fulfill customer wants pre-order was not based on any kind of statistical modeling, and instead was the result of a long and covert bio-engineering project the e-retail giant has been funding for the last 8 years.

“Predicting customer behavior with some kind of algorithm is for those math nerds at Google.  Here at Amazon, we’ve bio-engineered three special customer-care experts that we call “Pre-Cogs.” Amazon Pre-Cogs spend their days in a sensory deprivation chamber thinking only about what things people might order over the Internet.  When you know, they know and then they beam out your order as you are forming the desire for it.  Combined with our drone delivery force, we can often get people packages before their even done thinking about wanting them.”

Bezos did note the program is still in beta, as engineers determine what to do in the case of a “minority report,” when one of the PreCogs disagrees with the others about what an individual consumer might want.

The above is part of PYMNTS annual April Fools edition and should not be mistaken for serious or factual coverage. This is all in good fun, please don't cite us.

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