eBay Rolls Out A New Payment Platform And Dance Craze

Despite reporting to media outlets that it has no intention of creating a new proprietary payments platform once PayPal is spun off, it is rumored that eBay may have changed its mind.

“I think we’ve realized that we’re just not going to be really happy without a payments platform to call our own. We love payments, we were totally into payments before it was cool,” outgoing CEO John Donahoe was overheard telling a VC over lunch. “At the same time however, it’s just too, too tough to design a new one, I mean, payments platforms aren’t exactly the type of thing you can just slap together and expect it to work. Just ask Softcard and MCX.”

And unnamed eBay employees tell PYMNTS that the eBay team has decided to go a different way and offer the Uber of payments platforms, to coin a phrase.

Those plans, PYMNTS has been told, include licensing payments technology from Apple, Samsung and PayPal. Talk around the water cooler suggest that eBay was also open to a license agreement with Google – noting though they didn’t have any technology that they wanted, and only wanted access to Tappy, but now that he’s on the Apple Board, the GOOG was no longer an attractive partner.

Besides, it would totally screw up the name of eBay’s new digital payments scheme.

“Our new payments platform is going to be called eBay PayPayPay – and it’s totally the product that mobile consumers are looking for,” an eBay spokesperson said. “Want to operate all over the world with every non-bitcoin currency – no problem, PayPal makes that possible. Wanna use touch ID? Bam! Got it. Wanna shop in a store, that isn’t Whole Foods? Got. Ya. Covered. We’ve licensed Samsung Pay’s Loop technology that uses magic to make phones work with mag stripes. Tokens you say? Do we have tokens! Our tokens even have tokens. Literally, the only thing safer than paying with eBay PayPayPay would be to literally hire a band of mercenary war lords to personally deliver all of your payments by hand.”

While the name may seem a bit clunky at first, eBay sources tell PYMNTS that it has merit.

“Actually, the name choice was intentional and is part of our broader marketing campaign – we’re really trying to think outside of the box here, and not in the “went to Burning Man” way that those guys over at Google are always talking about. Here at eBay – we don’t draw our inspiration from hallucinogenic drugs or fire – we draw our inspiration from the American people. And do you know what the American people love? Dancing. Particularly when that dancing is done – with the stars.”

It appears that a key part of eBay’s launch plan is to literally go where no mobile payment scheme has ever gone before – on TV as part of ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars” so as to teach America the eBay PayPayPal Cha-Cha.

Carl Icahn will be representing eBay as its “Dancing With The Stars” partner.

Spokespeople from eBay told PYMNTS not to be “so surprised,” suggesting that this was all part of the eBay/PayPal spin off negotiations and Icahn’s commitment to “increasing shareholder value.”

PYMNTS pushed back, noting that the famous corporate raider is 78 years old and possibly not the best candidate for a high intensity dance competition.

“Oh please,” the eBay spokesperson noted, “did you people see Bill Nye the Science Guy on DTWS – especially his Cha-Cha? Trust me, Carl Ichan would have to work really hard to do worse than that.”

eBay further noted that the “DWTS” competition would be supplemented by an online and on-air media campaign that showcases happy, dancy Americans doing the eBay PayPayPay Cha-Cha to pay their bills, send money to friends and even do routine grocery shopping.

Carl Icahn wrote on his blog after the announcement was made that he was excited for the world to see that he’s not a just a “soul-less corporate raider” and that in fact deep down in his bones, he harbors the “heart of a Baryshnikov. Or a Beyonce.”

He further noted that he hoped the new campaign was a huge success so that he could immediately begin advocating for eBay PayPayPay to be spun off into an independent company so that shareholder value could be properly increased, once again.


 

Editor’s Note: This article is part of the PYMNTS.com special April Fools’ edition. Any connection to fact is purely coincidental.