Patrons of Baltimore Maryland’s premier Waffle House destination received quite a shock earlier today when a woman clad in a white linen tunic and throne-shaped crown spontaneously appeared ex nihilo in their midst and demanded to be taken to the “meanest, most vituperative lawyer this plane of reality has to offer.”
The woman - who went on to identify herself as the Egyptian goddess Isis - clarified that she was pursuing legal action against Isis mobile wallet, the joint venture between AT&T, T-Mobile and Verizon Wireless that aims to launch the cell service providers into the mobile payments space.
“I mean, really, to be honest it doesn’t even make sense to associate Me with a mobile wallet. Gods, for the most part, are not big wallet users, because we don’t so much, you know, buy things. People more or less bring us offerings and sacrifices—that is pretty much our main supply of goods. And honestly, I don’t care what they say, there is just no way NFC is going to advance to the point that it is going to make it easy for people send me appropriate levels of gold, goats entrails or virgin’s blood.”
Isis went on to note that if the name had merely been senseless, she might have contented herself with some light smiting or perhaps a plague of something mainly harmless, like lady-bugs. However, the Goddess further noted that she just couldn’t face the rest of her infinite existence being associated with a product that isn’t, well, fertile.
“Look if this were the PayPal mWallet or Google’s, that would be one thing—but this Isis thing, I just don’t think so. Without SmartTap merchants, Isis is just a cumbersome, mobile version of a contactless credit card, and I just don’t think it is going to take off.”
Isis (the company, not the deity) has been struggling to make a case for deploying SmartTap PoS terminals, which merchants must purchase to enable offers and loyalty redemption.
Upon finishing her waffles and hash-browns, the Goddess set off to find a lawyer to represent her in her case against ISIS.
“Look, obviously I would like to get this done without things getting overly litigious because even immortals try as much as possible to avoid long-drawn out court cases. I am hoping a simple cease and desist will do the trick.”
Isis did note that she is willing to “go to the mat,” if that is what it takes to get her name stripped from the product.
The above is part of PYMNTS annual April Fools edition and should not be mistaken for serious or factual coverage. This is all in good fun, please don't cite us.